Searching for Sheela….within me…

At a crossroad, on the brink of fifties, menopause, empty nests, ageing (not so) beautifully, maddening hormones & looming retirement, I reminisce back to the free-spirited, carefree girl, who began her journey with dreams, ambitions, rearing to succeed. Almost five decades later, I look at this ‘evolved’ version of the girl that “WAS’ into a woman ‘NOW’. In my yearly ritual (birthday month) of soul searching & reflection, I sat down to search for the Sheela within me….

Netflix documentary ‘Searching for Sheela’ is about a passionate young girl who fell in love with a guru, a widow who masterminded an empire in a barren, foreign land, a victim who is still on a public trial, being questioned again and again for her actions, her choices, her life and for being herself. What stood out for me was not what she said- but what she did not. How she stood tall, brave, proud, smiling through it all with dignity & grace. As a woman, I could not help but draw parallels with her. In this journey of self-reflection, I searched for the Sheela in me and how she viewed my joys, achievements, mistakes, triumphs & regrets laced with heavy doses of guilt.

Guilt is one common denominator that defines every woman’s journey. Missed occasions, lost friendships, wasted opportunities, and if you are a mother, the list is endless. We have been trapped in this guilt for ages trying desperately to redeem ourselves. In hindsight, when I look at this baggage that I carry, it seems so meaningless. Who set the bar – Me! Whatever is the root cause of the lingering guilt, it has been done, and the world is still in its place. Today, when Sheela in me whispers, “Redemption lies in guilt, that's why you cannot redeem yourself.” I believe her and just let the baggage be…

A major part of our lives is spent in the (unsuccessful) pursuit of being liked/accepted, struggling to develop an immunity to other’s judgement. Is there an expiry date to this endless cycle? Do we keep fixing these unfulfilled relationships or keep defending who we are? Over the years, Sheela in me kept reiterating, “Stop explaining yourself as people only understand from their level of perception.” And yet, the self-defeating quest continued. But today, I believe her. I am kinder, respectful, and extremely empathetic towards MY own self. I present my best version to the world unapologetically and say, “You see what you want to see, but I know my truth.”

The most challenging aspect of a woman is to define her achievements. Child to parent, student to teacher, mentee to mentor, from taking lessons to giving them, we have done it all. But when Sheela in me questioned the definition of my success, I was forced to revaluate as to what really are my achievements? My accomplishments are the little challenges I braved, especially the ones where I failed; Every task I undertook that I detested and yet did it over and over again. Every instance when I put myself on hold to make my family my priority and every smile that I could bring to the people around me.

The second mistake that we incur is that we look for proof of our accomplishments through the lens of others’ eyes. How did I forget that it is my eyes that envisioned a beautiful family, my wisdom to manage and multitask people, priorities & expectations? It is my values that have reared another generation of loving, human beings and most importantly it is ME a ‘not so perfect’ somewhat flawed human with unique abilities & idiosyncrasies, who achieved this feat. So, when Sheela in me applauds and says, “Bravo girl,” I take a bow & pat myself in the back.

Sensing my crossroad, my wingman, Sheela in me asks, “What now?” I tell her I love where I am today, who I am today, but I want more. More than just existing during that time in between family, work, life, and death. I am ready to dream, to open myself to possibilities, take chances and experience the next adventure and blossom into a life fulfilling my soul purpose.